Life, Death, and Hope

I was so excited my heart was pounding and my hands were shaking as I held the pregnancy test and waited for its result to appear. In the allotted ten seconds I watched it slowly… slowly… show a plus sign! It was 5 in the morning, and there was no way I was going to be able to go back to sleep!

Positive!

Children are a gift from the Lord; they are a reward from him (Psa 127:3).

Ever since Kyran, our first, was born, I have felt like something—more accurately, someone—was missing. Our little family didn’t quite feel… complete. I was happy and content, Jon is a wonderful husband, Kyran is a great kid, but it still felt like there was a gaping hole that needed to be filled. I couldn’t wait to have another kid.

Jesus said, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these” (Matt 19:14).

This was our chance. After enduring a pregnancy in a third-world country, I decided even though I experienced an enormous amount of grace that if given a choice I wouldn’t go through that again. We do want to end up back on the mission field someday, and it could be in an underdeveloped country again, but for a season we are enjoying the conveniences, foods, vitamins, and medical care that I couldn’t get during my first pregnancy. Since we’re planning on being here for a couple years, the timing seemed perfect to us.

Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding (Prov 3:5).

The day after I got the positive pregnancy test, Jon’s parents and grandmother just “happened” to come down to spend a day with us at my parents’ house. Jon’s grandmother lives in New York and we hadn’t seen her in over a year, and both sets of parents only get together maybe once or twice per year, so it was really special that everyone was in one place just in time to announce our good news. My due date was Mothers Day, 2012, how perfect was that? It was everything I wanted, dreamed of, and prayed for; I would get to have a winter pregnancy with a great little internal heater to keep me warm (I’m such a wimp when it comes to cold weather) and a spring birth before it got hot and miserable in the summer. Everything—I mean everything—was perfect.

 “My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the Lord. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine. For just as the heavens are higher than the earth, so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts” (Isa 55:8-9).

I already had so many hopes and dreams for that little life budding inside of me, I pretty much went around with a permanent grin for weeks. Even though I wasn’t showing yet, I was already caressing my abdomen, loving on the new person I so looked forward to meeting. I pictured a second little child running around the playground with Kyran. The fact that our family had already grown was a constant reality to me, and almost all that I could think about. 

You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed (Psa 139:16).

Then, just before I was to be seven weeks along, I started bleeding. Something went wrong, and the baby died and left my body. Everything wasn’t perfect after all, and I was crushed. All those dreams I had so carefully built up came tumbling down around me. When it was all over, I had to deal with that constant disappointment day after day. I fought back tears nearly every time I saw a baby or a pregnant lady.

Yet I still dare to hope when I remember this: The faithful love of the Lord never ends! His mercies never cease. Great is his faithfulness; his mercies begin afresh each morning. I say to myself, “The Lord is my inheritance; therefore, I will hope in him!” (Lam 3:21-24).

Jon and I began to question whether this really was a good time to try or if God was saying it wasn’t His timing for us to have another kid right now. We took some time out to pray, and we both feel He’s said go ahead. This week we went to a worship event at church, and as I was praying I saw a picture of Jesus giving me a tiny baby, just big enough to fit in my hands. I still have hope. God’s mercies truly are new every morning. That doesn’t mean yesterday didn’t happen, it’s still there in my past and still a little painful, but God is still faithful. He will turn the ashes of my dreams into something beautiful, in His time.

The Spirit of the Sovereign LORD is on me, because the LORD has anointed me… to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair (Isa 61:1-3).