Today is my 12th birthday as a
Christian. I remember November 14, 1999 like it was yesterday…
I grew up in a Christian family, read my Bible, prayed, went
to church, even lived on the mission field for 2 years, but never knew God
personally all that time. It was all empty religion: no faith, no relationship.
It was similar for my older brother until his girlfriend’s fervent faith helped
him realize just how shallow his own belief in God was, and he knew he wanted
more. He committed to a deeper walk with God and a life of serving him and was
baptized in a river near our home.
His decision spurred me on to reflecting on my own faith, or
lack thereof. I had actually grown quite mad at God over the years for all the
prayers it felt He completely ignored. Any time I asked for something,
anything, I seemed to always get the opposite. I prayed for sunshine, I got
rain. I prayed for healing in people, they died. I prayed for the salvation of
some family members, they still don’t know God to this day. It felt like I didn’t
matter to God, that my requests were unimportant, and I thought He must not
love me very much. I never doubted His existence, I saw Him answer other people’s
prayers miraculously. I just thought He loved everyone in the world… except me.
When my brother made that step, I finally decided to start
reading the Bible as though it just might
apply to me personally. It wasn’t a textbook to whizz through for a test, it
was a letter from God directly to me. In that light, I read the Gospel of Luke
and tried to picture myself there amid the crowd, watching Jesus heal, hearing
Him teach, feeling Him touch me. The morning of November 14th I came
to the crucifixion, and it was the first time I ever felt God stir in my
spirit. “I did this for you,” He
said. Wait, what? Jesus died for me personally,
not just “the whole world”? Why? What was so special about me? Why would the
God of the universe send His Son to die for me? “Because I love you,” He
responded.
Could it be true? Did He love me after all? I went outside
for a walk to pray. We lived out in the country, and I found a hill in a field
to try to talk to God, really talk to Him for the first time. I sat down next
to a small thorn bush on top of that hill, with thorns about 2”-3” long. It
made me think of the crown of thorns pressed onto Jesus’ head right before He
died. For me. I was suddenly overcome with memories of my sins, times I had
lied, stolen, been hateful and mean, names I had called my siblings, and I
wept. Those thorns and nails that pierced Him were my sins. I deserved that
punishment, but He took it for me. I cried for a couple hours straight as all
the ugly low points of my life replayed like a tape right before my eyes. “All of that is forgiven. I love you,”
God repeated to my soul.
Forgiveness washed over me in a tangible way. My heart felt
lighter, a new joy entered me that I had never experienced before. I knew then
that there was no turning back.
I walked back to the house in a daze, found my dad, and
tried to explain to him what had happened. We talked for a long time, then I
told him I really wanted to be baptized too. We all piled into the van for a
second trip down to that same river, and we waded in. Yes, it was the middle of
November, and yes, it was very cold. I didn’t care. I wanted all those sins I
had seen flash before me earlier to be washed away downstream, it didn’t matter
if my flesh was uncomfortable, my spirit wanted to be free!
I remember that on the way back home, the family sang the
old hymn “I have decided”, and it was so true. To this day, exactly 12 years
later, it is still true.
I have decided to
follow Jesus
I have decided to
follow Jesus
I have decided to
follow Jesus
No turning back, no turning
back
The cross before me,
the world behind me
The cross before me,
the world behind me
The cross before me,
the world behind me
No turning back, no turning
back
Though none go with
me, still I will follow
Though none go with
me, still I will follow
Though none go with
me, still I will follow
No turning back, no turning
back
Thanks for sharing! There are lots of really great questions and conversations happening around our house. Lots of good questions of wanting to hear how God is real to people. I'm printing this share. If you have any thing that comes to mind to share with my boys in that regard, we would gladly accept more input!
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